Here’s a project to get stuck into: Building your own future. It’s a great creative challenge – there are no boundaries, it’s all about the positive, fulfilling needs and wants! Working with what you have at hand to build something unique and rewarding! You get prizes at the end. Woo! YAY!

Hmm.
No.
No thanks. I’m not good at keeping the positive in mind. And I don’t like the lack of boundaries, they scare me. For years and years I’ve been sticking with the familiar and unpleasant because change is hard and rewards are for other people and when it really comes down to it….I’m more motivated to avoid harm than to chase rewards. It’s the same with my internal issues – It’s easier to be EDNOS/Depressed/OCD/Anxious and be unhappy than to figure out how to climb out of the hole. 

I was burbling about how my life isn’t working to my therapist last night. I want to live alone (not with my parents), I want to share my life with animals, I want to make enough money to fund that modest lifestyle. Probably simple achievable things. Yet they feel huge and inaccessible goals. I might as well want to go to the moon and turn invisible at will (OK, I do kinda want that, too).

…I just wish I knew why I can’t make that obvious choice and go after what I want in little manageable increments, rather than seeing life as a huge insurmountable monolithic block – i.e. Something not even worth bothering with. 

I know a lot of this feeling locked out of my own future comes from my past experience
s. Life has taught me not to want and not to seek. That harm lurks around every corner. And I can’t trust myself. 
But I can intellectualise that shit, I know it’s not true.
I just find that when it comes down to it, you have to feel it’s not true, not just know it.  

 anblog2

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