Phew – day off today. I only work part time but I volunteer and see a therapist once a week and somehow I’ve even started socialising a little bit.
I am so relieved I can do this now. What would have been overwhelming a while ago is now possible. And I’m gently pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone. But…I still feel a bit overwhelmed these days and I know I have to be firm about my boundaries and limits. I used to feel so ashamed that I couldn’t be a high achiever, couldn’t tick off ALL the boxes: relationship, kids, house, career, experiences etc etc. It’s a constant conscious effort to say fuck that, I’m still valid as a human being and my priorities have to be coping first, glittering prizes second. Yeah, it’d be nice to have amassed more traditional life milestones and achievements. But there’s no need to be ashamed of not being a high achiever. Really, it’s true! I’m pretty sure you only have to be ashamed of the actual shameful stuff you do, like being a shitty human being, causing harm that sort of thing. And I can honestly say that I’m in the clear in that respect. I may feel guilty and ashamed but when I stop and think I’ve not actually done anything awful.
I don’t know how accurate this stereotype of the manically drive, high-achieving person with anorexia is. The good girls who study hard, people please and excel at sport. The working mothers balancing a career, raising kids and having a social life. All the while starving and feeling trapped on the treadmill. For decades. I’m in awe of these superwomen who show up in the case studies. I’ve never met one though.
I’ve never, ever been that together. When I’m below a certain weight I can hardly cope day to day, let alone hold down a full-time job or studies. I’m still broke and struggling at 30 (largely thanks to my decade lost in anorexia and depression).
So… any other slacker-exics out there? Where are all my average folks struggling with EDs?